Joshua’s essay does support the idea of not relying on climate models in climate adaptation planning. However, I feel that there are certain areas which can be further improved. In the 1st paragraph the verb ‘undisclosed’ has been utilized, which means that the public has been informed. But if we were to look at the ‘emails leaked’, he should be trying to convey that the information was not disclosed to the public, yet, it was leaked. Thus, I think he should rephrase the sentence. In the 2nd paragraph, regional forecast and precipitation forecast has been mentioned, both different ideas, I would suggest that a comma should be added before the ‘and’. In the same paragraph ‘some particles’ has been mentioned a couple of times, I suggest changing them with ‘the others’ or ‘certain particle’. For the 3rd paragraph, I feel that it should not be started with ‘nevertheless’, as there is no linkage between the previous paragraph. The 4th paragraph has mentioned the establishment of new laws, ‘ the government’ was written, ‘the’ should be removed as it is not referring to any government in particular. In addition, for the last sentence in this paragraph, food processing company, Mars was mentioned, but there is no linkage between them and the companies that bleach the law. Lastly, references were absent and citations were not done correctly.
Overall, the essay is well organised, with supporting evidences to reaffirm the thesis sentencement.
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Thanks cheehou for the comment.
ReplyDeleteFirstly, I think the meaning of "undisclosed" is misunderstoond. "Undisclosed means "not made known or revealed".
Secondly, I will edit the sentence to differentiate the regional forecast and precipitation forcast as two different subject. I would also replace the use of "some particles" with the suggestion that you have given me.
Thirdly, my 3rd paragraph is the counter-argument and rebuttal for the argument in my 2nd paragraph; therefore, i use the word "nevertheless" to link them up.
Fourthly. I would edit the words "the government" to "government" as you have mentioned that it is not referring to any particular governemnt. And also in the same paragraph regarding the food processing company, I had made a typo mistake. The sentence should be "Mars, a food processing company, is one of the first food processor to breach the EU’s greenhouse gas control scheme".
Lastly, I will edit the in-text citation and add a reference citation at the end of the essay.